Death and Denial
by Kyria Nyriese
Summary: ME2 from Shepard's viewpoint both 1st and 3rd person perspective.  Better summary inside.  Edited and rewritten, please R&R.  Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Romance Shenko.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I am in the process of rewriting the original story and breaking it up a little differently. So even if you have read the story before, please check it out again and see what you think.  
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**This is the story of my Shepard from her perspective as well as an overview of the story on the whole. This will jump back and forth between first person and third person omnipresent. Personally I think the calm way in which Shepard seemed to have accepted her death and rebirth was way to calm. I don't see how there cannot be consequences for bringing someone back to life, whether those consequences are emotional, psychological, physical or all of the above, there will be consequences.**

**As usual I do not have a beta, so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated and love. Please do not feel that I will take things wrong, anytime I remove something after someone reviews it is because there was something there that struck me that needed to be changed and the reviewer just reinforced my thoughts on it. I love all comments and constructive criticism.**

** As always, Bioware owns the Mass Effect Universe, I just like to play with their toys from time to time.**

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><p>No one ever asked me my opinion; I was never asked if I wanted to be a soldier or something else. My father was a marine, my mother a naval officer, so it was expected that their only child would follow in their footsteps. So at the ripe old age of eighteen I enlisted with the Alliance Military, completed basic at the top of my class, but hey what else would be expected from the daughter of Major John Shepard and Captain Hannah Shepard. Special Forces training followed basic, of course it would, Caera Shepard couldn't just be a grunt now could she. I flew through the ranks of N training, gaining the rank of N7 very quickly, joining the ranks of only a handful of Marines, hell even my father wasn't an N7. My career was solid through all of that up until 2177 when my squad of fifty fellow marines was sent to Akuze to investigate the lack of communications from the colony there. We found nothing there, the colonists were just gone. We were wrong, so very wrong, when night came and we settled in for the night waiting for pick up the next day they attacked. Thresher Maws are ugly from a distance, but up close they are downright terrifying. All I remember from that night is the sound of gunfire and the screams as forty-nine marines died on that planet, after all the colonists that had died before we arrived. It seemed that we had placed the colony right on top of a Thresher Maw nest. I managed to survive that encounter with only a few visible scars. The screams of my team will forever haunt my dreams, my nights constantly broken up by the sounds of gunfire and screams.<p>

Oh did I mention I'm a biotic to, apparently didn't get much say in that either, I'm a Vanguard, a cross between a soldier and a biotic. Some hybrid I do have to say, as I can take and deal out a good bit of punishment. It's the only way I can atone for those deaths. They pinned a medal on my chest and called me a hero, I should have died with those men, hell I should have died instead of those men.

No one ever asked if I wanted to become a Spectre either. Should have figured something was up when Nihlus showed up on the Normandy for a shakedown run, on top of that I damned near couldn't go to the head without him being right there, drove me absolutely bugshit. I mean hell why can't I just be a grunt, a ground pounder, quiet career until something takes my head off or I retire with a weak pension and joints that quit working properly years ago, but no, Caera Shepard is the hero, the poster girl for the Alliance. Fuck them all, I never asked for it. I never asked to be force fed a genetic lifetime of a species that had been extinct for fifty thousand years either, guess someone missed that memo as well.

So we arrived at Eden Prime just in time to see the Geth attacking the planet. I hit the surface with Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko – a fellow Biotic – and Corporal Jenkins. It was like walking through one of those old twentieth century sci-fi/horror vids, where the aliens were always out to get humanity. There was death and destruction everywhere. Corporal Jenkins was from Eden Prime, so I think it hit him the hardest. Not that it had that much time to sink in, as no sooner than we turned the first corner from our LZ than he was gunned down by a group of Geth drones. You want to know something, no matter how many times you lose someone under your command, it never gets easy, and it never quits hurting. I could only hope that maybe Corporal Jenkins family had been spared the massacre and we would be able to return him home.

Lieutenant Alenko and I made our way further into the colony; we fought a few more drones, when we finally came across our first survivor, Chief Gunnery Officer Ashley Williams. Now there is a soldier, that girl has no fear what so ever. That was also where we saw the first of the 'Dragon's Teeth'. Huge spikes the Geth were using to impale captured colonists and marines on. Talk about nightmare stuff, there you go right there. Watching them put these living people on these five meter spikes, by Odin why would any species think to do something so horrible. After more fighting, and finding a few more surviving colonists, we finally found what we were after, the Prothean Beacon. Should have stayed the hell away from that thing, or should I say Lieutenant Alenko should have stayed the hell away from that thing. Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame him one bit for what happened at the Beacon, none of us were Prothean experts. We were just soldiers doing our jobs, a job that ended up with me unconscious and dreaming about ancient civilizations and the sentient machines that destroyed them.

Well I finally woke up after what the Doc told me had been fifteen hours. Alenko was right there too, that was a surprise, though not an unpleasant one. He has the warmest eyes I've ever seen. When Captain Anderson showed up – oh did I mention that Nihlus had been killed by another Turian Spectre named Saren - anyway apparently Captain Anderson and this Saren have some history, and it's unpleasant. I can't believe he actually wants me to tell the Council about the nightmare the beacon downloaded into my brain. It's not like the Alliance doesn't already question my sanity considering my record, now my mentor, the man who has treated me better than my own parents did, wants me to prove to them that I am insane by telling about these nightmares.

So no matter what I wanted, I ended up a Spectre with an entire extinct civilization rattling around in my head, in command of a prototype new Alliance warship with a team of misfits. Hell at least most of them were like me and here because that's where you end up when you do the right things.

It took us a little over a year to put Saren down, finding out as well during that time that hey, Saren really isn't the bad guy there's the sentient machines called the reapers who show up every fifty thousand or so years and wipe out all life in the galaxy, but hey who wants to hear that. Even after you save the Galaxy and the Council from annihilation.

There was a good thing to come from the time taking down Saren and Soveriegn. I met Kaidan Alenko, a fellow marine and biotic, he was a sentinel, and was really surprised to find that despite me being a vanguard I was somewhat of a tech head. We hit it off really well, we talked a lot, not sure when it happened but sometime during that year we fell in love. We never said the words but in the couple months after we helped destroy Saren, Soveriegn and the Geth at the Battle of the Citadel, we did everything we could to show each other. Maybe I should have said the words, maybe my last words to him shouldn't have been an order but 'I love you'. My death wasn't my choice either. Joker is the best damned pilot in the Alliance, but he is about as stubborn as an ass, and I mean both kinds of asses. I managed to get him into an escape pod, but it was too late for me, an explosion threw me against a bulkhead, shattering the connections on the back of my hard suit. I barely managed to hit the button to get Joker off the ship before the fear and panic set in. They say it takes ninety seconds to die from vacuum exposure. It sure as hell seemed like the longest ninety seconds of my life and I can remember every detail. The pain caused by the damage done when the explosion threw me against the bulkhead, the light headedness from the lack of oxygen, the numbness in my limbs from the cold. My last thoughts were my own though, my only regret, not telling Kaidan I love him.


	2. Death

**Death**

**2183 - **_**SSV Normandy**_**, Alchera, Amada System, Omega Nebula**

Over the planet of Alchera in the Amada System of the Omega Nebula a ship the _SSV Normandy SR-1 _suddenly appeared out of FTL, slowing to enable the ship to utilize its ability to cloak its heat and radiation signature and begin scanning the local area.

The pilot of the_ Normandy_ one Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau sat at his station, going over the different screens in front of him. "Disengaging FTL Drives." He reported the status of the _Normandy_. "Emission sinks active. Board is green… we are running silent."

Navigator Pressly walked toward one of the stations along the cockpit – reviewing a datapad as he went. "We're wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven't found any sign of Geth activity," he said sharply.

"Three ships went missing here in the past month," Joker replied. "Something happened to them."

Pressly looked back over at Joker, "My money's on slavers. The Terminus System is crawling with them."

From across the cockpit a young Ensign sat going over incoming data on her own displays. "Picking up something on the long-range scanner. Unidentified vessel. Looks like a cruiser," she reported.

"Doesn't match any known signatures," came Joker's reply.

The Ensign continued monitoring her displays. "Cruiser is changing course. Now on an intercept trajectory."

Pressly turned his attention to the displays near where he was, "Can't be. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way a geth ship could -"

Joker cut him off before he could complete what he was saying. "It's not the Geth," Joker stated before hitting the ship wide comm system. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!"

The cruiser fired on the _Normandy_ slicing through the starboard nacelles like nothing, causing a flash explosion to the navigation console Navigator Pressly was occupying, throwing him across the cockpit.

"Pressly…" the Ensign called, turning just as another explosion blasted from her console, throwing her across and next to Pressly's body.

Joker didn't have time to pay attention to what was happening behind him as he tried to keep the _Normandy_ flying. "Kinetic barriers down," he reported sharply, his fingers dancing over the flight console in front of him. "Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline. Somebody get that fire out!" he shouted, continuing the vain attempt to get the _Normandy _away from her attackers.

Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko made his way along the crew deck toward the emergency console, dodging explosions and crew along the way, though the medic in him demanded he stop and help those who fell, the soldier understood that there was nothing he could do for them now.

Finally reaching the emergency console, Kaidan took a moment to secure his helmet. "Shepard!"

The woman in black and red N7 armor turned to face him her own helmet hiding her features. "Distress beacon is ready for launch." Lieutenant Commander Caera Shepard reported, taking the destruction around her in.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Kaidan asked as another blast about knocked him off his feet and into Shepard.

Shepard grabbed Kaidan's arms, steadying him back to his feet. "The Alliance won't abandon us. We just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." She replied, grabbing one of the fire suppressant canisters near her and tossing it to Kaidan before taking one herself in an effort to fight the destruction of her ship.

Kaidan turned with the canister and began attempting to put out one of the multitude of fires. "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He reported to Shepard. "I'm not leaving either."

Shepard stopped, dropping the canister and turned to face Kaidan before walking over and taking the canister from his hands. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker."

Shepard had turned to head toward the escape pod release when yet another blast rocked the _Normandy_ causing her to stumble before grabbing onto a piece of debris hanging from the overhead.

Kaidan moved to grab onto her, "Commander…"

Shepard didn't look back at Kaidan. "Kaidan. Go. Now." She commanded.

Kaidan looked near to disobeying the order. "Aye, aye."

Shepard stood balancing herself against the wreckage of the ship as Kaidan ran toward the escape shuttles. Taking a deep breath, thinking she had all the time in the world to tell Kaidan her feelings, she turned and triggered the final announcement to abandon ship, trusting Kaidan to get everyone else off safely, she turned and headed to the cockpit to get Joker, knowing there was another escape shuttle directly behind the cockpit which they should be able to get in.

"Mayday, mayday, mayday! This is the _SSV Normandy._ We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy." Joker called over the comm suite, trying to get a response from anyone near enough to be able to help them.

Shepard made her way to the CIC, hearing Joker over the comms. "Come on, baby. Hold together. Hold together!"

Shepard stepped out into where the CIC had been, the entire area was open to space, the planet Alchera visible through the debris still attached to the ship. If they hadn't been under attack and she had been looking through a portal, the sight would have been breathtaking, as it was, it was terrifying, even for a lifelong veteran of the Alliance Marines. Shaking her head, Shepard made her way through the remains of the CIC to the cockpit, sealed by its own kinetic barrier against the vacuum of space.

"Come on Joker! We have to get out of here!'

Joker shook his head adamantly. "No! I won't abandon the _Normandy_! I can still save her!"

"The _Normandy_'s lost. Going down with the ship won't change that," she replied as gently as she could, trying to understand how important the ship was to her pilot.

Joker scanned the remaining displays, no propulsion, no kinetic barriers, no weapons, Shepard was right. "Yeah… okay. Help me up," he replied resignedly. Moving to allow Shepard to help him out of the chair. "They're coming around for another attack!" he shouted, trying once again to get the _Normandy_ to respond to his commands as the unknown ship fired once again, this time tearing through the _Normandy_ right behind the cockpit, effectively slicing her into two pieces.

Shepard saw the beam go through the CIC, showing her how close they both were to death. Turning back to the pilot's seat, she quickly grabbed Joker's right arm and slung it around her neck before lifting him up and sliding an arm around him to support his weight as she pulled him from the chair.

"Ah! Watch the arm!" Joker cried as he felt the bone break in his arm.

Shepard moved with Joker as quickly as she could, not wanting to injure the brittle pilot any more than absolutely necessary. After several moments she managed to get him into the escape shuttle just as another explosion knocked her away from the shuttle.

Joker pulled himself back toward the entrance to the shuttle, "Commander!" he screamed, watching as Shepard held on to the last bit of the ship before hitting the button that would eject Joker's shuttle. "Shepard!" he screamed again, trying to stop what was going to happen. He was forced back into the shuttle as the portal closed and the shuttle ejected from the wreckage, leaving Shepard with only her hardsuit between herself and the vacuum of space.

She felt the blast as it threw her against the bulkhead; she looked over her shoulder and saw Joker holding himself up in the pod, screaming to her. She knew she couldn't get back to the pod; she managed to maneuver her way to the eject button, seeing the doors close as she pushed herself away from the disintegrating ship. She felt further explosions just before she hit a piece of debris feeling her hard suit crack and pain exploding through her back. She looked around and saw space, the pieces that had once been her ship were all around her, explosions tearing it into smaller and smaller pieces. She couldn't breathe, she was so cold. She could feel her body screaming for oxygen, feel the tissue freezing where her suit had shredded. _I'm dying,_ she thought with clarity, _oh Kaidan, I'm so sorry, I should have told you that I loved you_. Tears fell and froze immediately as she held onto his face in her mind, the world turning black around her.


	3. Denial

Kaidan saw the pod eject through the small viewport, causing him to breathe a sigh of relief. He settled back down into the seat, finally starting to relax knowing she had gotten Joker off and was safe. He latched back down the restraint. He felt the impact as the pod hit the planet, he was up and quickly made sure everyone else in the pod had suffered no more than minor bruises. He made sure everyone was secure behind the kinetic barrier he activated before hitting the switch to open the portal and exiting the pod. He made his way to the other pods, checking on the others who had evacuated the Normandy, it seemed most of the crew had managed to escape, only a few were missing. He finally saw the descent of the last pod, he watched until it impacted, then moved toward it as quickly as he could.

Kaidan entered the pod soon after it hit the surface, expecting to see Joker and Shepard, he looked around, seeing Joker huddled, crying… _Joker crying,_ then it dawned on him that Joker was the only one in the pod. "Joker, where is she," he whispered, refusing to believe what he already knew. "Where is Shepard," he asked again, begging the pilot to tell him that she was alive.

Joker looked at his friend, "She's gone," he whispered brokenly. "She got me to the pod, and there was an explosion, she hit the button…" he started, his usually humor ridden voice breaking again.

It sunk in, _Shepard is dead,_ turning he walked directly in front of Joker, "You son of a bitch," he screamed, grabbing the pilot by the shirt, not caring how many bones he broke, he just wanted Joker to hurt in the way he was hurting. "You wouldn't get out of that damned seat and she had to go back after you, it's your fault, I will never NEVER forgive you," he screamed, pulling his fist back to hit the other man, only to have it grabbed in the strong grip of their Turian squad mate.

"Kaidan, it's not his fault," Garrus whispered, "She would have done the same thing for anyone on that ship, it was always more important that we live to her than she did," he said quietly, eyes boring into Kaidan's.

Joker sat down hard when Kaidan let him go. "You're right Kaidan, I killed her," Joker whispered, his own pain mirroring that of his friend. "I wish she hadn't come back for me."

The dam broke in that second, and the tears fell, Kaidan collapsed in a pile of armor and pain, "She can't be gone," he sobbed.

It was Joker that moved closer to Kaidan and put a friendly arm around his shoulders, his own tears mingling with Kaidan's on the deck, "I'm sorry, I would give anything for her to be here and me to be up there," he told his friend, knowing he couldn't help the pain Kaidan felt at that moment.

Kaidan shrugged Joker's arm away. "Don't you ever touch me," he spoke angrily. "Don't you ever talk to me or come near me ever again," he hissed, his eyes boring into Joker's before he closed his faceplate and made his way out of the pod.


	4. Blame

**Blame**

Joker didn't even know where to begin with regards to getting his life back on track after Shepard's death. It seemed that every direction he turned someone was blaming him for killing her. Most of it was because he blamed himself so he believed that everyone blamed him as well. So when XO Hannah Shepard of the Kilimanjaro approached him, he expected her to place the blame for her daughter's death squarely at his feet.

"Lieutenant Moreau, I wanted a moment to speak with you," she said quietly, indicating a table in one of the corners of the Memorial area where Shepard's memorial had been held with a closed and empty casket.

Joker paused, looking closely at the older woman who closely resembled his Shepard, and nodded, following her toward the table and taking a seat across from her. "Ma'am, I just want to say I know it's my fault that Commander Shepard is dead, and I can't tell you…"

Hannah Shepard held up her hand to interrupt him, "I knew my daughter quite well, and know for a fact that being able to decide how she died would have relieved her to no end, considering she felt she never had a say in her life. The fact that she died to save the lives of her crew, only makes that an even stronger force for her," she said quietly. "You are not to blame for what happened, my husband called Caera his Valkyrie, his shield-maiden. Now she truly will be a Valkyrie, and when the Ragnarök comes, she will be among the ranks of the einherjar."

Joker didn't know what to make of what the elder Shepard was talking about, "I don't understand ma'am it is my fault she's dead," he replied.

Hannah sighed, "No Mr. Moreau, you just happened to be in the seat and be the person she had to help when the Valkyrie's came for her, she was a warrior, she is chosen and when the time comes, she'll come back."

On a station, hidden out in the Galaxy The Illusive Man sat patiently awaiting a report on the Lazarus Project. Finally the holo pad in front of him began to glow, showing the form of Miranda Lawson, the woman he had chosen to head up Lazarus. "Report Ms. Lawson."

Miranda Lawson nodded, "We have recovered Shepard's body, however, the damage was worse than expected. Wilson though believes he can still pull it off and bring Shepard back just as she was."

The Illusive Man nodded, "Then get to work, we don't know how much time we have left," he told her, "I know you can do this Miranda." He disconnected the holo pad. Taking a long drag on his cigarette as he considered what had begun.


	5. Rebirth

**2185 Lazarus Station**

Well once again no one saw fit to seek my opinion on what should be done with my life or should I say death, and Cerberus, yes **Cerberus** of all entities, brought me back to life. Fucking Illusive Man poured four billion credits into resurrecting me. Really bad fucking investment on his part, because I remember everything Cerberus did. I still hear the screams of the marines with me on Akuze; I can still the look of desperation in Tombs eyes as I talked him down from killing the Cerberus scientist. I remember the husks and the Thorian creepers, hell I can't even be completely sure Cerberus had nothing to do with the Thorian itself. I remember Admiral Kahoku's men, killed by a Thresher Maw. I remember finding Admiral Kahoku's body amidst the remains of several Rachni they were experimenting on. I'll be damned if I let The Illusive Man use me, he can go to hell, I'm sick and tired of people making decisions for me. Maybe he should have thought harder on the idea of a control chip because that would be the only way he will be able to control what I do.

I didn't have much choice in going to Freedom's Progress, figured I'd just get it the hell out of the way and get the hell away from Cerberus and try to find the pieces of my life. I was wrong, so very wrong. We got to Freedom's Progress and the colony was gone. The buildings left, plates from dinner on the tables. It was like those old ships you used to hear about in the Bermuda Triangle, it was downright disturbing. I couldn't help but feel like I was walking over a graveyard, and for someone with a healthy respect for the Otherside, I can guarantee you, I don't like being in graveyards. We searched and searched and almost left knowing nothing more than when we arrived. If we hadn't stumbled on Tali and her group of Quarians we would never have known about Veetor, never seen the data he managed to collect on the Collectors… hehe collect on the Collectors, sorry. I would never have known what was happening to those colonies maybe that would have been a good thing. I just don't know. Once again the choices are being taken out of my hands. Military, Spectres, Council, Alliance and now Cerberus, I feel like I'm just a pawn in a much bigger game than I can ever comprehend.

**Rebirth**

Slowly Shepard awoke, pain coursed through her body, she tried to look around and figure out where she was. The last thing she remembered was dying, apparently the Alliance had gotten there quick enough after all. She heard a woman's voice, she wanted to ask about her crew, about Kaidan, but she couldn't make the words come.

"There. On the Monitor. Something's wrong," she heard the heavily accented voice. She tried to look toward where the voice was coming from but was unable to move her head.

"She's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of her surroundings," came another voice, this one male.

Shepard raised her arm, trying to make her head move; she could see the ceiling and equipment but couldn't figure out where she was. Finally she was able to turn her head to see the woman, wearing a white and black suit walking toward her.

"Oh my god, Miranda. I think she's waking up," this from the male voice she heard in the room. She turned her head and saw a man approaching her bedside. Again she tried to talk, tried to ask the questions plaguing her mind, but could not make the words come out.

"Damn it, Wilson. She's not ready yet! Give her the sedative!" the woman – Miranda – spoke again, a tone of authority carrying in her voice. Her face was gentle when she turned her attention to her patient. "Shepard – don't try to move," she said quietly, taking the hand Shepard had raised and laid it back on the table. "Just lie still. Try to stay calm," she reassured the warrior.

"Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the carts." Came the statement from the one Shepard assumed was Wilson. "Stats pushing into the red zone. It's not working!"

Shepard looked around, trying to make sense of what was happening to her, she could barely catch her breath and there was so much pain. _What is happening to me?_ She thought, trying to make the words come.

Miranda turned to Wilson. "Another dose, NOW!" she commanded.

Slowly Shepard began to feel less pain, and darkness started clouding in around her vision. _NO!_ She cried in her mind, _I need to know._

"Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into normal range," Wilson reported. "That was too close. We almost lost her."

Shepard needed to know what was going on, but she was falling back into the blackness that had claimed her in space.

"I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again."


End file.
